the F word

I have been taking a sabbatical from dating this summer, and my life has never been so drama-free...well except when I was Mormon and not dating (though that wasn't really on purpose). But in a fit of insanity last night I started thinking about it again...thinking maybe I have been looking for the wrong types of guys, and maybe if I can just find ones I'm more compatible with...so I got on the dating website I have used in the past, and put in a search for feminist. There are 70 men within 50 miles who have that word on their profile, and 180 women. Looking through the mens' profiles I saw a lot of "I'm a feminist and a chivalrous gentleman." Really? Is this even possible? Or a better question, is it what do I want, and if not, what the hell do I want? Looking at the womens' profiles, at first I thought, "great, maybe I can read some feminist womens' profiles to give me an idea of what to put on my profile." Unfortunately, most women's mention of feminism was of the "I'm independent, etc...but don't worry, I'm not a feminist." Trying really hard to convince men that they weren't that sort of annoying woman.

So it seems like the men either really believe they need to be the old-fashioned type, or think that's what we want...so they say that's who they are. And we, the women want to be seen as not needy, not bitchy...not like those girls. We're all trying to be (or not be) stereotypical TV characters (apparently a lot of men really hate Carrie Bradshaw), old girlfriends and boyfriends who drove us crazy, as well as roles we were taught by our churches and parents, when the world was different. It seems difficult to actually be ourselves with all the other options out there.

I'm not really looking for a "gentleman, " someone who believes in "chivalry." I don't really care if he holds the door, as long as he isn't not holding it to make a point. Can't the person who gets to the door first hold it for the other person? I don't want to be "taken care of." Can't we take care of each other and ourselves?

The most difficult part of all of this, and the part that I think reflects a lot of other issues is money. I wrote about this when I was dating a guy awhile ago. I'm just not sure what the right stance is for me, or more accurately, if my stance makes me an asshole. I believe in equality. I don't think that has to mean we all have to contribute the exact same thing to a relationship (which would be impossible and undesirable), and I also don't think it has to be as the LDS church says, separating by roles by gender. Why can't I contribute my skills and resources, and you contribute yours, us both putting in what we have?

Of course, what I am really saying here is that I don't make a lot of money. I grew up thinking I would never have to really have a career, and providing for myself or others was never really a huge concern when choosing possible professions. So I chose education and career opportunities that consist mostly of women, and are lower-paying. I figured I would marry at least by my early twenties, stay home with kids, etc. Its almost laughable to me now that I didn't consider any other alternatives, and I'm not trying to shift all the blame to my upbringing. But now, in my thirties, do I attempt to get a high paying job so I can have economic equality and power? Do I date guys that are more "traditional", even though I disagree with most of their principles, so I don't have to worry about the money thing? Do I say, fine, let's date equally, you pay half and I pay half, and by the way, I can only go to happy hours and cheap restaurants, but enjoy your steak?

I believe in equality, but equality hasn't come yet. Women still get paid significantly less than men on average, though individual circumstances vary. If I make less than a third of what you make, is it wrong of me to hope that once we actually decide to be together, that you'll put in a little more than half where money is concerned? Am I crazy to want individual circumstances to be taken into account, while also not wanting to be coddled? And is it really possible to have equal power in a relationship when there is not equal economic circumstances? And how on earth would one go about discussing this early on in dating?

Least I offend anyone, I know there are thoughtful, feminist men like the ones I am describing, they just seem to be so hard to find! And I don't have anything against traditional roles, as long as that's what you both want. I just think there should be choice, not unexamined assumptions.

I understand men likely feel like they can't win in circumstances like this and I don't blame them. I feel the same way. Thoughts?