Capitalism, A Love Story

I saw Capitalism, A Love Story this weekend. There were a lot of things in the film that were shocking and depressing about unfettered capitalism. It made me outraged on so many levels, to see so much corruption and such an inherently harmful system in so many ways. Sometimes it seems like there is so much bad in the world it just seems impossible to make any sort of difference. But rather than spiraling down into a cycle of despair, cynicism and apathy, it seems better to do the few things I can do. First is just being the kind of ethical person I want to be and trying to make the world a better place in my immediate circle. Sometimes I wish I had money to throw at problems, but I definitely don't have that. So the next best thing I think is to support businesses who are ethical, which is difficult since so many seem to have shady practices, but at least I can try...so here are a few links I found that may be helpful...

Companies that bought life insurance policies on their employees (dead peasants insurance program). There are so many companies here it is probably difficult to avoid all of these, but I can try, and this does renew my determination not to shop at Wal-Mart.

Ethical companies of 2009. A good list of good companies, though a report from the WSJ does warn that this list has some conflicts of interest. Though so does the WSJ...

Does anyone else know of other good, ethical companies, that are not listed here? Or horrible ones to avoid? I'd love to hear about them.

the F word

I have been taking a sabbatical from dating this summer, and my life has never been so drama-free...well except when I was Mormon and not dating (though that wasn't really on purpose). But in a fit of insanity last night I started thinking about it again...thinking maybe I have been looking for the wrong types of guys, and maybe if I can just find ones I'm more compatible with...so I got on the dating website I have used in the past, and put in a search for feminist. There are 70 men within 50 miles who have that word on their profile, and 180 women. Looking through the mens' profiles I saw a lot of "I'm a feminist and a chivalrous gentleman." Really? Is this even possible? Or a better question, is it what do I want, and if not, what the hell do I want? Looking at the womens' profiles, at first I thought, "great, maybe I can read some feminist womens' profiles to give me an idea of what to put on my profile." Unfortunately, most women's mention of feminism was of the "I'm independent, etc...but don't worry, I'm not a feminist." Trying really hard to convince men that they weren't that sort of annoying woman.

So it seems like the men either really believe they need to be the old-fashioned type, or think that's what we want...so they say that's who they are. And we, the women want to be seen as not needy, not bitchy...not like those girls. We're all trying to be (or not be) stereotypical TV characters (apparently a lot of men really hate Carrie Bradshaw), old girlfriends and boyfriends who drove us crazy, as well as roles we were taught by our churches and parents, when the world was different. It seems difficult to actually be ourselves with all the other options out there.

I'm not really looking for a "gentleman, " someone who believes in "chivalry." I don't really care if he holds the door, as long as he isn't not holding it to make a point. Can't the person who gets to the door first hold it for the other person? I don't want to be "taken care of." Can't we take care of each other and ourselves?

The most difficult part of all of this, and the part that I think reflects a lot of other issues is money. I wrote about this when I was dating a guy awhile ago. I'm just not sure what the right stance is for me, or more accurately, if my stance makes me an asshole. I believe in equality. I don't think that has to mean we all have to contribute the exact same thing to a relationship (which would be impossible and undesirable), and I also don't think it has to be as the LDS church says, separating by roles by gender. Why can't I contribute my skills and resources, and you contribute yours, us both putting in what we have?

Of course, what I am really saying here is that I don't make a lot of money. I grew up thinking I would never have to really have a career, and providing for myself or others was never really a huge concern when choosing possible professions. So I chose education and career opportunities that consist mostly of women, and are lower-paying. I figured I would marry at least by my early twenties, stay home with kids, etc. Its almost laughable to me now that I didn't consider any other alternatives, and I'm not trying to shift all the blame to my upbringing. But now, in my thirties, do I attempt to get a high paying job so I can have economic equality and power? Do I date guys that are more "traditional", even though I disagree with most of their principles, so I don't have to worry about the money thing? Do I say, fine, let's date equally, you pay half and I pay half, and by the way, I can only go to happy hours and cheap restaurants, but enjoy your steak?

I believe in equality, but equality hasn't come yet. Women still get paid significantly less than men on average, though individual circumstances vary. If I make less than a third of what you make, is it wrong of me to hope that once we actually decide to be together, that you'll put in a little more than half where money is concerned? Am I crazy to want individual circumstances to be taken into account, while also not wanting to be coddled? And is it really possible to have equal power in a relationship when there is not equal economic circumstances? And how on earth would one go about discussing this early on in dating?

Least I offend anyone, I know there are thoughtful, feminist men like the ones I am describing, they just seem to be so hard to find! And I don't have anything against traditional roles, as long as that's what you both want. I just think there should be choice, not unexamined assumptions.

I understand men likely feel like they can't win in circumstances like this and I don't blame them. I feel the same way. Thoughts?

What does 50/50 mean?

For the most part, I consider myself some sort of enlightened, non-traditional woman. I think one of the main reasons I didn't learn to cook much was because I was somehow scared of getting stuck into that role. I'm not sure why, I fully realize cooking is an amazing skill. In dating and thinking about what I want in marriage I've come up with all sorts of fair ideals, such as wanting a man to help out with the housework and me not wanting to change my name, if it ever came to that. Apparently I don't want a traditional role, but I'm not completely liberated either.

Now I find myself dating a guy who believes in 50/50, at least, I think, in terms of who pays for stuff. The first sign was when he let me pay for the tip on our first date. No big deal, of course, but still it hasn't been the norm. On our dates he's mostly paid, I've paid for a few things, but it has somehow felt a little more of a question than has usually been the case. His position became a little more clear when we were talking about exes and he started talking about his and how she wanted to go on vacation but didn't have money...so I don't know if this point was a deliberate illustration for me. It sounds like he's been burned in the past in this arena.

Last week we are watching TV and there was a commercial with a beautiful beach, and he was like "Let's go to Jamaica! Or somewhere warm!" No talk of money at this point, and I figured I could get us some deals with my flight benefits. Standby flights were all full because of the holiday weekend, so we looked at some package deals. I researched stuff on the computer for hours. Nothing was cheap and what we finally came up with ended up being more than I could personally pay, which I told him, and he said it was up to me, he understood either way, that he was under financial stresses (his way of saying he couldn't pay for any of my way), and that he was a 50/50 guy. I said that was fine, I understood, it was more than I could do, but maybe with more notice we could do something another time. I also attempted to explain a little bit of my situation-that I don't make much money, but that the benefits are worth it to me, to have the lifestyle I want, and to be able to travel for less, as well as helping others in this way too, though it didn't really work out that way this time.

So I'm just trying to figure out my feelings on the topic and what I think is fair and what I am comfortable with. The 50/50 ideal might be great if you are both single professionals and make a comparable amount of money. But what if one person makes 3X plus what the other makes? Is a 50/50 split fair in that case? Is it just too bad for the one who has chosen the job that doesn't make enough? Maybe in the beginning while 2 people are trying to figure out whether or not they want to be with each other 50/50 is okay. But isn't there a time, eventually when I becomes we? When you want the person you are with to enjoy things that maybe they couldn't enjoy on their own? Is that selfish of me, wanting to keep my low-paying job, and then merge finances with someone later, which would obviously be to my benefit financially?

I think there are other things that have equal value to money. I have no desire to be exactly like this, but in my parents marriage, my dad makes the money, my mom cooks, cleans, washes, etc, for him, so though she is not making actual money, she is still providing, just in a different way. If I spend hours planning a trip, shouldn't that count for something? But then if you're keeping track of 50/50, how do you not turn everything into a "what's it worth controversy"? Maybe it is too much for each person to just attempt to be generous in their own way. Maybe these kinds of conversations are normal to have, it just seems so awkward to me.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Experiences?