Spiritual but not religious?

I went to the Unitarian Universalist church today. It was great to see a wide variety of people- straight couples, gay couples, single people, black, white, old young. Not that I was suprised, this is New York. Though the ward I went to in New York looked pretty much exactly like Utah singles wards. The atmosphere was unassuming, and leafing through their program, I found I could agree with all their principles, which was mostly about freedom and peace and not being dogmatic. I love all of this.

However, I just don't know if I am open to religion anymore. Any sort of ritual and shared experience out of the Mormon one feels so foreign and unnatural to me. And though I am familiar with the Mormon experience, there are too many things that feel wrong to me when I go there.

The sermon was okay, the reverend talked about America and Barack Obama and how far we have come, and it was nice to relive some of those moments. She also talked with pride about some past Unitarian ministers and leaders and some of their progressive views, but while I can appreciate their contributions, I don't want to be their disciples.

Part of me wants to get stirred up in the excitement of it all, and actually feel something, but the other part of me doesn't want to get suckered into anything that isn't real.

I find myself reluctant to join anything, to give myself a concrete identity in this way. Reading the Power of Now affected me a lot, which talks about not needing labels and not basing your identity on this. For so long, I "knew" stuff, and before I would allow myself to fully think, I looked at my Mormon identity, to try and fit everything together. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but I think I like just being me. Mormonism defined me for so long that I am amazed by the freedom I have now to not put myself into a box.

I know there can be a sense of community at church and I think that this is something I miss, though I haven't really felt it for a long time. I wonder though if maybe I can find that in some other volunteer organization, where I don't have to be "religious." I understand how religion can work for some, and I think if it is not harmful that is great. But for me, I think maybe I need to look in other areas and create my own space.

Time to get sprugged up old girl...

This post has nothing to do with the church. Just a story of my life, straight out of Bridget Jones.

This morning I was actually told that my eggs are drying up. As if I didn't know that already. I was working the flight to Amsterdam and I end up working with a straight man who asks me my birthday (so he knows my horoscope), where I'm from (he smiled like he knew all about me), and how old I was. He said he likes to know these things and then he can get a good idea about someone. Or get the wrong idea, I told him.

Later into the flight he starts asking me questions, attempting to be some sort of flight attendant psychologist or life coach. Do I want children? He then tells me that I better hurry up and do it. Even if it has to be out of wedlock. Cause my eggs are drying up and life goes real fast and I'm running out of time.

Are there 30 year old women who do NOT know this? Are there people who think I am just avoiding true love and the corresponding wedded bliss out of some sort of unawareness that I am not 19? That it is easy for women to find someone who you actually want to be with? I guess I should give him credit for at least thinking I have hope, but damn. Then he started telling me that men outside the travel industry don't understand and don't want a flight attendant. He said to stay away from foreign men, that they were not good for American women. He told me I also had an additional disadvantage because of my height. WTF? I am actually quite aware of the difficulties I have in dating, which I told him, but he didn't seem to understand he was being a complete ass.

You may be wondering why I listened to this for so long, but I think I was more shocked than anything. After I gave him a few scowls and told him he didn't really know me, I moved to another part of the airplane and enjoyed my New York Times. Till I started talking to another flight attendant. It started off well-bonding over Barack Obama, and conversing about our educational backgrounds, but then all of a sudden he is telling me to get a second job and specifically what one to get. You'll never make enough money in this industry, he says, when I mentioned my school loans. Don't you think I know that? Am I not aware of that each time I eat cereal 3 times a day?

I guess I was just shocked by the idiocy of some people and the complete lack of perception and sensitivity. I always thought the scene in Bridget Jones, where they are asking her why there are so many single girls in their thirties, and telling her she'd better get sprugged up, was just an exaggeration. But apparently it is not. It is my life. Now I just need to find my Colin Firth.

What is it worth?

In the past I didn't care about gay marriage. In some conversations less than a year ago I was ambivalent about it, or at least about making a fuss about it. And now, every time I think of the efforts the church is making against it, I get really upset. For the first time I donated to a political cause. Most people I know take the same position about it.

Except all the people I know in Utah. One of my friends, who I have known since kindergarten, has been sending me political emails. A vote for Sarah Palin email, then a link to the church's article on marriage. She obviously thought I would agree with her, as I'm sure her view is very popular where she lives. She has no idea of the changes in my life the past year or two for me, as we only go to lunch a couple times a year. And though I haven't shared anything with her yet, somehow I had to tell her I was not in the same place about gay marriage. I wrote her an email, just asking her not to forward more emails like that, and ran it by a couple friends first, to make sure it was nice enough. They all said it was too nice, so I figured that was good, I wanted to be non-confrontational. But now it's been 5 days, and no response. I'm sure I shocked the hell out of her, and she's one of my friends I've been the most scared to truthfully talk to about leaving the church. So now that she doesn't respond at all, I feel bad, and like there is a distance that may not be cross-able. And it makes me sad that I may have to choose between honesty and a friendship that has lasted for 25 years.

Could have been a good drinking game

Text messages on Friday about general conference between a friend of mine who is in a similar place regarding church:

Me: I'm headed out of town tonight. Let's do dinner Sunday?

Friend: My sister and I say let's do! We'll listen to Conference!

Me: I can only handle conference if I have a few drinks.

Friend: We could turn it into a drinking game!

Me: That would be radical. We could take a shot every time they say the word marriage.

Friend: We would be wasted!

Me: In ten minutes.

Tequila!

This blog is at the request of Jessica....

Somehow, last Friday night I found myself making out in the corner of a bar. It all started sort of Sex and the City-like. I was working at yoga and the gay yoga manager and I were talking about how cute this guy was. We ended up talking for a few minutes and instead of him walking out the door like most guys I meet do, he asked me out and gave me his phone number.

So I met him Friday night at a comedy club. The comedians were funny, we ordered food, and we both had a couple of drinks. After that we went to a bar. Where I ended up having 2 tequila shots. No, that is not what I ordered. But there they were on the bar, ordered for all of us. I had never tried tequila so I figured what the hell. It BURNS going down! A few more drinks, a couple more bars later and I am making out with my date in the corner of some bar downtown. It strangely felt very comfortable, and I know it wasn't all the alcohol. We had date 2 tonight.

I had to pack for my week and a half vacation when I got back. Let me just say, don't pack drunk. You forget stuff.

hooked on a feelin...

This is kind of a follow up to my last post...

Feelings are an interesting topic when it comes to religion. I think in the LDS church we base a lot of things on feelings. I think some of them may be real, but I also feel like some of them may have been a little manufactured. Like I don't know if I really felt like I had the choice to believe in the Book of Mormon or not, it was all set up so that I would. So I did. Maybe I am different in that some of my experiences regarding the church were not as strong as others.

Thinking about what I have felt and what I feel now, I have come to look at many of my feelings from the past differently. But there are some things I was taught and believed that I still strongly believe. I'm not sure why these go a little deeper or resonate with me still. I was taught that you had to figure things out for yourself and follow what you feel is right-I'm pretty sure they thought it would leave you in the church, which didn't turn out that way for me. I always felt that God loves everyone equally. When it turned out the church didn't really seem to teach that, I let go of the church and possibly God, but not my belief in equality. It's interesting what sticks and what doesn't.

I think that facts and more information(as much as can be ascertained) is more important in deciding what to believe than going on feelings alone. You have to have both, but I think going on pure feelings is a little scary to me.

I think something we learn in the LDS church is that once you "know" or feel something, you KNOW it. Forever. That you shouldn't allow new information or feelings in. That you've already got it figured out and that you should not change your point of view. Period. I built myself up quite the protective wall for a long time. In the church humility is talked about, but I think there is a great arrogance in never rethinking your point of view. I think there is great humility in being open to the world, to people, to spirituality.

Thoughts?

we're all just going on faith

A close friend of mine who has gone through some similar church issues as me got an email from an old friend yesterday. She seems to get a lot of these emails, from people attempting to save her soul. After hearing about the email and the guilt trips that were included, my friend said "maybe i am going to hell. i don't want to go to hell." I told her she wasn't, because I truly believe that. She said, "what does anyone know for sure, we are all just going on faith anyway." Which is entirely true. Though I have little, if any, traditional faith, I do believe this is true.

What I have faith in is that this life, whatever the hell it is, is something magical. It is amazing at times, and really shitty at times. But in the end, when I finally realized I couldn't believe in the church anymore, and possibly organized religion, I realized that I do have faith. I have faith that if there is a plan for this life, for this world, it isn't one of inequality, gender or otherwise. It isn't one where the heaven we are supposed to be looking forward to is one that feels more like hell to me. It isn't one where only 1% of the earth's population would have the chance for true happiness and truth in this lifetime. If there is a plan and meaning for this life then we all wouldn't be trying to be the same, discounting all of our valuable differences. I don't know what I believe for sure, but if I believe anything it is that there must be more goodness, inclusiveness, wholeness and general happiness in the world than the LDS church offers. I want to live my life believing in goodness and joy, not fear. And that feels like faith to me, however unusual and unlikely.

Mmmm...

I FINALLY had a good meal in Spain. Me with the crew in Barcelona after the beach. More pics of that day here.

a strange desire

Yesterday I found myself wanting to go to church. Not the LDS church, but maybe another Christian church, like the Church of England. I'm not sure what it was, maybe after listening to two co-workers talk about their beliefs in God and the fact that it was a Sunday that got me strangely in the mood. It felt like fall in Manchester yesterday, and I found myself wanting to be wrapped up, more emotionally than physically. I think maybe part of me also wanted to feel a closeness with others, that I have sometimes felt in places of worship. I missed that feeling that comes when everyone, whether a family, friends, or congregation, all feels a similar way. I have recently missed and mourned the feeling that I had something important to believe in, something that tied me to a god, and tied me to others. I haven't felt that way in an LDS congregation for years, but I have memories of it from the past, and felt sad that I don't know how to recreate that, or at least the positive elements of it. I thought about god and felt that maybe I could believe in something, but my mind just doesn't know how, and most of the time my heart doesn't ask for it anymore these days either. Yesterday I felt open to the possibility, but nothing really concrete came. I would like to develop some sort of spirituality outside of religion, and in some ways it would be nice if I could rebuild something semi-concrete, but I don't know how or if it will happen. I am not pushing myself. Whatever is right for me will come if I am open to it.

I walked around Manchester, looking for a church, but also enjoying the walk. I didn't find anything so I headed back to the hotel where I met up with my co-workers. We talked, ate, drank, and had a nice evening, and though we met just a few days ago, it was comfortable and warm. Which is what I wanted in the first place.

Why, yes I will have a drink, thank you.

Um, look how big these cocktail glasses are. Awesome.

I guess they're onto me...

I had another big family reunion a few weeks ago. Fortunately this one did not drive me to drink, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my family, especially my cousins. I decided to wear what I wanted to wear (which wasn't much, considering it was 100 degrees), and got no weird looks or comments from anyone. Fast forward 3 weeks later, and my grandma and aunt have been talking to my cousin about me not wearing my g's. Apparently they are praying for me. I still haven't figured out whether to just accept this as inevitable or to try to get them to understand. But hey, I'm all the way across the country, in my new place, walking around in my underwear with a fridge filled mostly of mixers and alcoholic beverages, so I'm not too concerned. :)

the saturation point

This weekend i have been back in utah for my grandma's funeral. Being in Utah with my family has been quite the mixed bag the last few months. I really love my family and we always have a good time joking around. That's what we do best. What we don't do very well is be real with each other. Deep issues are rarely discussed, and if they are, when it gets too uncomfortable for someone, they just cut the conversation off. I don't think I am this way with most people, as I have several close friends and cousins who I can be real with, but when I get with my family I really struggle with this, and I think I always have. It's like there is this supposed perfect balance that is really difficult to dare to toy with.

So this whole weekend has been church, church, church. Which I suppose I should have expected at a Mormon funeral, but I have been not attending church for almost 8 months now, and being at a funeral, which is a church service got under my skin more than I thought it would. General authorities were quoted multiple times in one of the talks, and every time I would have to remind myself to breath deep. One of my uncles talked about how "we all know, or I hope we all know..." and went on to talk about life after death or the gospel or something. I kept trying to tell myself that this is just how people are and that this is what they believe, and now the thought comes to me that they just think they are speaking to their own kind, and maybe that is okay. But my problem with that comes when I looked at atleast three of my aunts and uncles who are either inactive (more the Jack Mormon type) or have had their names taken off the records of the church. So maybe they don't KNOW this stuff. The family was thrilled that they said the prayers at the funeral and are just hoping they will come back because they will never be fully accepted till they do. And in these types of talks, about how "we all know" the idea that someone in the audience may not KNOW these things is apparently not recognized. I felt incredibly bad focusing so much on myself during my grandma's funeral, and there were many moments that I was able to think about my grandma and her life and how she has affected me. But I just couldn't shake all of the uncomfortable feelings I was feeling, that I basically disagree or am unsure about most everything my entire immediate and extended family believes.

Ever since I have told my parents about my disaffection, they were weird for a little while, but now they just pretend like nothing was ever said. I don't know what I want, I probably can't be satisfied, but it seems like they can talk of nothing but the church. My dad works for the church, and their whole lives revolve around it. And I told them they could talk about it, so apparently they think I WANT to hear about it. Which is fine sometimes. But all the damn time, no. I'm sure they have no frame of reference from where I'm coming from, but why the hell would I be excited to hear about it all the time when I don't want to be a part of it?

So last night ALL the extended family is over, and there are people running everywhere, and the adults are having church conversations all over the house. The Martin Harris Handcart company this, and Emma Smith that. Though polygamy never came up in the discussion about Emma Smith, my uncle just decided she had a mental breakdown. About 3/4 of the way through the evening, with no one knowing a clue who I really am, I decided I needed a drink. I fixed myself a cocktail in my bedroom with the vodka I had stashed on a previous visit, and walked around the house, drinking and hanging out with my family. It definitely took the edge off of my annoyance, plus was pretty funny to think that they had no idea. I felt a little bad, but the situation called for it, and yes, I am using alcohol to solve my problems.

I knew I couldn't handle going to church with my family today, that I would go absolutely nuts. I feel bad that I really can't stand it all right now. I thought I was doing all awesome being peaceful in New York, but it turns out that Utah is quite another story. So I told my mom I was going to church with my friend in Salt Lake, and I think she was happy, thinking I was going to the LDS church, but we went to the Episcopal one. I much prefered that, though I really just don't feel into religion at all these days.

I am here for another week, I hope I can handle it. I don't know whether to just let things slide, or to have a conversation with anyone. It is so frustrating having them be all free with their mouths and their lives, and I feel like I have to shut the hell up or people will be shocked and judgemental and I will cause them sorrow. I feel like my life has been opened up so much recently, but I can't share it with many people, because their world is a lot smaller that there is no way they will understand, having never looked outside the box.

my place

In a couple of weeks, I will be moving to my own apartment. I am so excited. Yes, it's small, and it's a studio, but it will be fantastic. I won't have to hide alcohol, or hear about Brigham Young's views on cheese importation (yes, my roommate did talk about this during a dinner party). Most importantly though, I can make it my own place, where I am comfortable and can do what I want. I will be able to feel like I can invite guests over, and not make them feel like I'm bringing them back to my super-religious college dorm. I think it's about time, I have had SO many roommates in my lifetime by now.

US religious beliefs and practices

This is really interesting. You can compare your answers with the Pew Forum's religious survey.

http://usatoday.com/news/graphics/2008_pew_religion/flash.htm

I learned a few things. Apparently Mormons have more in common with more fundamentalist-type churches. And I definitely do not fit the Mormon mold. I was closer on most things to the Buddhists and Hindus.

everything's expanding

I have been so happy lately, in a way that has amazed me. Life is exciting to me again, and I feel free-to think, act, and love the way that I feel is right. It's like once I decided I was done with church, everything has just simplified, as I don't have to worry about what the church or members of it think of me (for the most part). I can focus on actually being kind to others, and myself.
For most of my adult life, I've been pretty cynical when it came to romantic love and marriage, probably because it had been pushed down my throat in various arenas, and even though I thought I was a "typical Mormon," whatever that is, I really have always felt quite uncomfortable fitting into certain expectations that I just don't believe in. So now that those things have all lifted, it's strange, I don't feel a sense of hopelessness in my future. I trust myself. I feel like if my life stays the same as it is now, I will be very happy. But I also can truly see the possibility of finding love or marriage in my life, which I have never believed was possible.
I have felt so amazingly lucky to have friends and family members in my life who understand what I have been going through, and also understand the new and exciting parts of my life. I have been enjoying so much, and without all the worry I have had in the past few years. I have an amazing job that allows me to meet great people, see the world, and just have a good time, while also being a kind of community I haven't felt in Mormonism for years. And one that I fit in a lot better. It's funny, when I was trying to decide whether to stay or go, I read and heard all kinds of warnings, of how "you'll never be happy if you leave" and "this is where you belong," and it kind of scared me like maybe they knew what they were talking about. But, truth is, I had to listen to myself, and I really felt like I would be okay, and hey, looks like listening to myself wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Meet Virginia

So the other day on the plane I did something I have never done. There was a guy who started talking to me while we were delayed. In 45 minutes max of talking to him, I realized that we had more of a connection than the guy I had just gone out with for the fourth time the night before (no chemistry, and boring!) Since I know (I think) that guys like to do the chasing, I usually let them do this, but he didn't really have much of an opportunity during the flight. So right before landing I gave him my number. On an airline napkin. Whether he calls or not, it was still fun, doing the initiating for once.

Conversational landmines

I talked to my parents on the phone tonight, mostly my mom. I hadn't talked to my dad since last week when I told him about me and church. They both sounded a little distant or something. I couldn't quite place it. I guess maybe they're still trying to figure out to view me, what to think, how to feel about the idea that I no longer believe in everything they do. I don't think they know exactly how to talk to me anymore. I guess I have to give them some time to feel what they're going to feel and get used to things. After all, this has been coming for me for at least a couple of years, though I didn't know it till much more recently. I have had more time to get used to changes in my beliefs and actions, but it is pretty new to them. I just hate it because changing relationships can be hard and you never know exactly how they'll end up.

I also have a friend who I have been friends with since I was five. We have stayed fairly close through the years, and have always had a lot to talk about, even though we don't see each other often. However, she has always been pretty conservative in some ways, though I never thought much of it. Last time I saw her was in January and we had a mostly good lunch, though we had an awkward moment where we accidentally (keep your mouth shut, flygirl!) got onto politics and she basically bore her testimony to me of some principle that she related to the current political situation. I didn't know what to say, because I just couldn't say I agreed. I would really like to keep up our friendship, we have been friends for SO long, but I just don't know what we have to talk about, there seem to be so many conversational land-mines. And I really just don't think she would be accepting of my rejection of church. I have been all about openness and honesty, but I might go on pretending with her. At least for awhile. It's not like I have to do everything at once I suppose. I feel great about my life in relation to me, but in relation to other people it gets more complicated. It's hard not having church in common, where it used to just be a given.

So I am feeling a little melancholy about the changes that have taken place in my relationships, or those that I know will change. I only feel this way around a few of the people who have been in my life for a long time and I don't want to lose what we have. Who knows, some of them may change for the better. I do have a lot of people in my life who have been very accepting and I don't think I could have done all of this without them.

how to get rid of the love bombs

When I was going to church, a couple times a month at least, I think I had home teachers visit me once in the past year. Visiting teachers were more consistent. Now that I haven't been in six months, I am getting people coming out of the woodworks. A girl in the relief society presidency texted me the other day, acting like we were best buds. I got a call from my home teacher, sounding all breezy, like everything was normal. I haven't seen him for 6 months, though he did help me move into my new apt. My visiting teachers have been contacting me as well. This is a bit more tricky, because I am friends with the old ones, and now this month one of my other friends (along with the RS pres councilor) have been assigned as my visiting teachers.

But I want it all to stop. Sometimes I think I should just suck it up for the next few months till I turn 31, and then I won't be in the singles ward. But I just feel like I can't or don't want to do that. I am through and want it out of my life. At first I thought I would be okay with visiting teachers because I really do like them-the old and one of the new. But I want to know that people want to hang out with me just because they like ME, not because of any sort of hidden agenda. I don't want to wonder if people are really my friends, or if I am an assignment. So I am thinking of asking to be taken off the HT/VT lists, and I can see who my real friends are. (I think these girls will still be my friends, though they don't know exactly where I am with church yet). No one asks me why I don't come to church, they just invite me to stuff, invite themselves into my home. And I'd rather tell them than do the avoidance thing, otherwise I know it will never stop. But I'm getting tired of telling everyone, all the time, about this aspect of my life. Can't I just get a t-shirt or something, that explains it to everyone?

Finally

So I told my dad tonight on the phone tonight, and my mom a couple days ago about my feelings and activity in the church. I didn't go into details of all of Joseph Smith/Brigham Young's transgressions, or why I think the church is...whatever it is. I think that would have been too much and they wouldn't have really been able to process it. I explained that I had doctrinal concerns, didn't go to church or believe anymore. And I also told them that I appreciate and love them. They both reacted pretty good I think, as well as can be expected. Neither of them preached to me or told me I was going to hell. My mom said she had noticed something was different, so she didn't seem that surprised, and didn't break down or anything. My dad was more emotional about it, I made him cry. I feel really bad about the way that they are feeling right now, even though I know it's not my fault, exactly. I think one of the most difficult things is that I am not a part of (and now they know this) the most important thing in the world to them. My dad listed his family and the church as the most important things to them, so at least he didn't place church above it. It just no longer goes all neatly together like it did before. They both expressed their love for me and that they wanted us to still be close, and I said I wanted that as well.

So I think it went well, much better than many people's stories I have heard of, though it was still incredibly hard. Now I just have to get used to the new situation with my family a bit, and hopefully they won't be that depressed.

Finally. I've been wanting to start a real blog, one where I can actually talk about my life, and don't have to censor it for the wonderful people in my life who don't quite get what I have decided to do. I grew up as an active Mormon my whole life. I had questions about things for the last few years, and about 6 months ago or so I decided I really didn't believe, couldn't go along with it anymore, and wanted FINALLY, to start living my life, instead of agonizing about doctrine that made me crazy. It was a hard decision, and really scary at the time, but I have felt so much more peace, freedom, and happiness than I had in a long time. Since that decision, I have begun the process of trying to get on with my life, date normally, experiment with things I never dared to before (not talking illegal substances here people), and have been trying to figure out what my new standards are in life. So far it has been very interesting, although sometimes difficult. I want this blog to be a place where I can talk (and others can share) about some of these new experiences and how it is to navigate a world outside of Mormonism, especially as a single person.