the saturation point

This weekend i have been back in utah for my grandma's funeral. Being in Utah with my family has been quite the mixed bag the last few months. I really love my family and we always have a good time joking around. That's what we do best. What we don't do very well is be real with each other. Deep issues are rarely discussed, and if they are, when it gets too uncomfortable for someone, they just cut the conversation off. I don't think I am this way with most people, as I have several close friends and cousins who I can be real with, but when I get with my family I really struggle with this, and I think I always have. It's like there is this supposed perfect balance that is really difficult to dare to toy with.

So this whole weekend has been church, church, church. Which I suppose I should have expected at a Mormon funeral, but I have been not attending church for almost 8 months now, and being at a funeral, which is a church service got under my skin more than I thought it would. General authorities were quoted multiple times in one of the talks, and every time I would have to remind myself to breath deep. One of my uncles talked about how "we all know, or I hope we all know..." and went on to talk about life after death or the gospel or something. I kept trying to tell myself that this is just how people are and that this is what they believe, and now the thought comes to me that they just think they are speaking to their own kind, and maybe that is okay. But my problem with that comes when I looked at atleast three of my aunts and uncles who are either inactive (more the Jack Mormon type) or have had their names taken off the records of the church. So maybe they don't KNOW this stuff. The family was thrilled that they said the prayers at the funeral and are just hoping they will come back because they will never be fully accepted till they do. And in these types of talks, about how "we all know" the idea that someone in the audience may not KNOW these things is apparently not recognized. I felt incredibly bad focusing so much on myself during my grandma's funeral, and there were many moments that I was able to think about my grandma and her life and how she has affected me. But I just couldn't shake all of the uncomfortable feelings I was feeling, that I basically disagree or am unsure about most everything my entire immediate and extended family believes.

Ever since I have told my parents about my disaffection, they were weird for a little while, but now they just pretend like nothing was ever said. I don't know what I want, I probably can't be satisfied, but it seems like they can talk of nothing but the church. My dad works for the church, and their whole lives revolve around it. And I told them they could talk about it, so apparently they think I WANT to hear about it. Which is fine sometimes. But all the damn time, no. I'm sure they have no frame of reference from where I'm coming from, but why the hell would I be excited to hear about it all the time when I don't want to be a part of it?

So last night ALL the extended family is over, and there are people running everywhere, and the adults are having church conversations all over the house. The Martin Harris Handcart company this, and Emma Smith that. Though polygamy never came up in the discussion about Emma Smith, my uncle just decided she had a mental breakdown. About 3/4 of the way through the evening, with no one knowing a clue who I really am, I decided I needed a drink. I fixed myself a cocktail in my bedroom with the vodka I had stashed on a previous visit, and walked around the house, drinking and hanging out with my family. It definitely took the edge off of my annoyance, plus was pretty funny to think that they had no idea. I felt a little bad, but the situation called for it, and yes, I am using alcohol to solve my problems.

I knew I couldn't handle going to church with my family today, that I would go absolutely nuts. I feel bad that I really can't stand it all right now. I thought I was doing all awesome being peaceful in New York, but it turns out that Utah is quite another story. So I told my mom I was going to church with my friend in Salt Lake, and I think she was happy, thinking I was going to the LDS church, but we went to the Episcopal one. I much prefered that, though I really just don't feel into religion at all these days.

I am here for another week, I hope I can handle it. I don't know whether to just let things slide, or to have a conversation with anyone. It is so frustrating having them be all free with their mouths and their lives, and I feel like I have to shut the hell up or people will be shocked and judgemental and I will cause them sorrow. I feel like my life has been opened up so much recently, but I can't share it with many people, because their world is a lot smaller that there is no way they will understand, having never looked outside the box.