Chill

So I was all worried about the family vacation. The first day or so took some getting used to, and I found myself thinking, "What will we talk about?!? We're not having any deep conversations!" With my friends and cousins, I'm so accustomed to talking about EVERYTHING, and with my family, there just isn't that dynamic. It seemed to me a different life altogether, or maybe I was visiting a different country.

But then, after a day or two, (and a few phone calls to those people I really can talk to), I realized I had to accept the situation for what it was, and my family for who they are. They are really great people. I tried to stop wondering if they were secretly judging me for drinking coffee (my dad did whisper to someone that it smelled bad), or wearing tank tops (pretty sure they were jealous, they just wore their swim suits a lot instead). They didn't act at all judgemental, so why should I imagine they were? It was as if the conversation with my brother never happened. Which is okay. I didn't feel like I had to pretend, and no one made a big deal out of anything. We had a lot of fun, and honestly it was really nice and relaxing not having drama and discussing every detail of everything under the sun. I also really loved hanging out with my 14 month old nephew. I am not always into kids, but I love that little boy.

So a lot of worry over nothing, but I am feeling good about things.

Isn't there some sort of form letter for this?

In two days I am going on vacation with my family for a week. My very sweet, very Mormon family. My parents and sister and hubby all know I've left the church, but I haven't told my brother. And it's been like a year and a half. The thing is, I don't really think he'll take it that badly, I just think it will be a surprise. I can't quite explain why I haven't been able to make myself tell him. I rarely see him, and though we talk on the phone every few weeks, he usually seems quite busy with his family and life, and my life really never enters the conversation. Maybe because I'm single, it's hard to know what to say to me. This used to bother me more, but I have come to accept that if I want to have a relationship with him, it will be mostly on his terms.
But it has gotten ridiculous, because in 2 days we will be all staying in the same beach house. I will not be wearing garments, or likely even wearing things that would cover them up, because hopefully it will be warm weather. The second day is a Sunday, and my family will want to go to Sac. meeting, and I'm not going with them. So I KNOW that I need to say something, and am quite tired of pretending...but grrr...it's so hard. I know I'm not going to go a week without coffee, or alcohol, and I don't want to be reduced to drinking it out of a flask from my suitcase. And sure, I could just not say anything and have my bro and sis in law wonder, but I just feel like I can't be myself if I do that. My family has this status quo thing that is really strong. It is sometimes nice, as a lovely time seems to always be had by all, but makes it really difficult to bring up anything out of the ordinary. Conflict is rare, which means that when it happens it feels like such a big deal. So pretty much, I have to say something today. I am kicking myself for waiting for so long, but pretty much it's now or a really awkward family vacae. Which it may be anyway.

I guess they're onto me...

I had another big family reunion a few weeks ago. Fortunately this one did not drive me to drink, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my family, especially my cousins. I decided to wear what I wanted to wear (which wasn't much, considering it was 100 degrees), and got no weird looks or comments from anyone. Fast forward 3 weeks later, and my grandma and aunt have been talking to my cousin about me not wearing my g's. Apparently they are praying for me. I still haven't figured out whether to just accept this as inevitable or to try to get them to understand. But hey, I'm all the way across the country, in my new place, walking around in my underwear with a fridge filled mostly of mixers and alcoholic beverages, so I'm not too concerned. :)

the saturation point

This weekend i have been back in utah for my grandma's funeral. Being in Utah with my family has been quite the mixed bag the last few months. I really love my family and we always have a good time joking around. That's what we do best. What we don't do very well is be real with each other. Deep issues are rarely discussed, and if they are, when it gets too uncomfortable for someone, they just cut the conversation off. I don't think I am this way with most people, as I have several close friends and cousins who I can be real with, but when I get with my family I really struggle with this, and I think I always have. It's like there is this supposed perfect balance that is really difficult to dare to toy with.

So this whole weekend has been church, church, church. Which I suppose I should have expected at a Mormon funeral, but I have been not attending church for almost 8 months now, and being at a funeral, which is a church service got under my skin more than I thought it would. General authorities were quoted multiple times in one of the talks, and every time I would have to remind myself to breath deep. One of my uncles talked about how "we all know, or I hope we all know..." and went on to talk about life after death or the gospel or something. I kept trying to tell myself that this is just how people are and that this is what they believe, and now the thought comes to me that they just think they are speaking to their own kind, and maybe that is okay. But my problem with that comes when I looked at atleast three of my aunts and uncles who are either inactive (more the Jack Mormon type) or have had their names taken off the records of the church. So maybe they don't KNOW this stuff. The family was thrilled that they said the prayers at the funeral and are just hoping they will come back because they will never be fully accepted till they do. And in these types of talks, about how "we all know" the idea that someone in the audience may not KNOW these things is apparently not recognized. I felt incredibly bad focusing so much on myself during my grandma's funeral, and there were many moments that I was able to think about my grandma and her life and how she has affected me. But I just couldn't shake all of the uncomfortable feelings I was feeling, that I basically disagree or am unsure about most everything my entire immediate and extended family believes.

Ever since I have told my parents about my disaffection, they were weird for a little while, but now they just pretend like nothing was ever said. I don't know what I want, I probably can't be satisfied, but it seems like they can talk of nothing but the church. My dad works for the church, and their whole lives revolve around it. And I told them they could talk about it, so apparently they think I WANT to hear about it. Which is fine sometimes. But all the damn time, no. I'm sure they have no frame of reference from where I'm coming from, but why the hell would I be excited to hear about it all the time when I don't want to be a part of it?

So last night ALL the extended family is over, and there are people running everywhere, and the adults are having church conversations all over the house. The Martin Harris Handcart company this, and Emma Smith that. Though polygamy never came up in the discussion about Emma Smith, my uncle just decided she had a mental breakdown. About 3/4 of the way through the evening, with no one knowing a clue who I really am, I decided I needed a drink. I fixed myself a cocktail in my bedroom with the vodka I had stashed on a previous visit, and walked around the house, drinking and hanging out with my family. It definitely took the edge off of my annoyance, plus was pretty funny to think that they had no idea. I felt a little bad, but the situation called for it, and yes, I am using alcohol to solve my problems.

I knew I couldn't handle going to church with my family today, that I would go absolutely nuts. I feel bad that I really can't stand it all right now. I thought I was doing all awesome being peaceful in New York, but it turns out that Utah is quite another story. So I told my mom I was going to church with my friend in Salt Lake, and I think she was happy, thinking I was going to the LDS church, but we went to the Episcopal one. I much prefered that, though I really just don't feel into religion at all these days.

I am here for another week, I hope I can handle it. I don't know whether to just let things slide, or to have a conversation with anyone. It is so frustrating having them be all free with their mouths and their lives, and I feel like I have to shut the hell up or people will be shocked and judgemental and I will cause them sorrow. I feel like my life has been opened up so much recently, but I can't share it with many people, because their world is a lot smaller that there is no way they will understand, having never looked outside the box.

Conversational landmines

I talked to my parents on the phone tonight, mostly my mom. I hadn't talked to my dad since last week when I told him about me and church. They both sounded a little distant or something. I couldn't quite place it. I guess maybe they're still trying to figure out to view me, what to think, how to feel about the idea that I no longer believe in everything they do. I don't think they know exactly how to talk to me anymore. I guess I have to give them some time to feel what they're going to feel and get used to things. After all, this has been coming for me for at least a couple of years, though I didn't know it till much more recently. I have had more time to get used to changes in my beliefs and actions, but it is pretty new to them. I just hate it because changing relationships can be hard and you never know exactly how they'll end up.

I also have a friend who I have been friends with since I was five. We have stayed fairly close through the years, and have always had a lot to talk about, even though we don't see each other often. However, she has always been pretty conservative in some ways, though I never thought much of it. Last time I saw her was in January and we had a mostly good lunch, though we had an awkward moment where we accidentally (keep your mouth shut, flygirl!) got onto politics and she basically bore her testimony to me of some principle that she related to the current political situation. I didn't know what to say, because I just couldn't say I agreed. I would really like to keep up our friendship, we have been friends for SO long, but I just don't know what we have to talk about, there seem to be so many conversational land-mines. And I really just don't think she would be accepting of my rejection of church. I have been all about openness and honesty, but I might go on pretending with her. At least for awhile. It's not like I have to do everything at once I suppose. I feel great about my life in relation to me, but in relation to other people it gets more complicated. It's hard not having church in common, where it used to just be a given.

So I am feeling a little melancholy about the changes that have taken place in my relationships, or those that I know will change. I only feel this way around a few of the people who have been in my life for a long time and I don't want to lose what we have. Who knows, some of them may change for the better. I do have a lot of people in my life who have been very accepting and I don't think I could have done all of this without them.

Finally

So I told my dad tonight on the phone tonight, and my mom a couple days ago about my feelings and activity in the church. I didn't go into details of all of Joseph Smith/Brigham Young's transgressions, or why I think the church is...whatever it is. I think that would have been too much and they wouldn't have really been able to process it. I explained that I had doctrinal concerns, didn't go to church or believe anymore. And I also told them that I appreciate and love them. They both reacted pretty good I think, as well as can be expected. Neither of them preached to me or told me I was going to hell. My mom said she had noticed something was different, so she didn't seem that surprised, and didn't break down or anything. My dad was more emotional about it, I made him cry. I feel really bad about the way that they are feeling right now, even though I know it's not my fault, exactly. I think one of the most difficult things is that I am not a part of (and now they know this) the most important thing in the world to them. My dad listed his family and the church as the most important things to them, so at least he didn't place church above it. It just no longer goes all neatly together like it did before. They both expressed their love for me and that they wanted us to still be close, and I said I wanted that as well.

So I think it went well, much better than many people's stories I have heard of, though it was still incredibly hard. Now I just have to get used to the new situation with my family a bit, and hopefully they won't be that depressed.