where I begin to lie

It was the second question he asked. I recently went out with someone I met on an online dating site. I called the night before our date to chat, and right away he said:

"Oh, a Utah number." (okay, who has a land line with regular caller ID these days?!)

"Yeah, I haven't lived there in 5 years, but it's such a pain to change your number."

"Oh so, you grew up in Utah?"

"Yeah"

"Did you grow up Mormon?"

He was easy to talk to and like all first dates we each shared a bit about our lives.
Sure, I grew up in Utah, yes, I grew up Mormon. He was interested and fascinated and we had a great time.

The next night we met at a wine bar. He was cute and there was definitely a spark. I found myself talking easily to him and answering his questions about my background. He seemed genuinely impressed as I told him how I had grown up Mormon but that I had left when I realized it didn't work for me. Questions about my religious background always seem so innocuous at first, and I don't realize how strange they think I am until it's too late and I've already given too much away. Somehow I mentioned that I hadn't tried alcohol til I was 30 (why, why do I say these things?!). Being more savvy than many of my dates, the wheels started turning in his head.

"So if you were 30 when you tried alcohol...then you probably waited a long time for other things..."

Without verbally asking the question, but asking it with his eyes, I knew he was talking about the first time I had sex. I laughed it off, though these conversations always make me uncomfortable. I dodged the question and told him it wasn't a first date conversation. He told me a little bit about a girl he had dated who was in her early thirties and was still a virgin but didn't want to be anymore. He told her that she should find a friend, someone she was comfortable with to try that with, but that he was too old for that and that was too much pressure on him. I've heard virtually the same thing from many guys. Whether you're a virgin or just not very experienced, most guys don't want to deal with the baggage they assume you have.

I don't think it's the strange beliefs I used to hold that men are uncomfortable with. I fit pretty well into the secular, liberal world I live in. I think it's the perceived (and sometimes real) lack of shared experience that guys don't know what do with. That what I was doing in my twenties (or not doing) is different from what other people were doing in their twenties. It must be difficult to relate to. I don't usually have this problem talking with women, which makes me think that for men, it's primarily about sexual experience.

It makes me angry because in church I learned how sex was something to stay away from and that being pure and untouched is a good thing. I followed this and my twenties were sexless and experience-less. Now I find that the biggest liability of all. Who knew that I would have been in a better position if I had started having sex in high school?

I believe in honesty and transparency. Even more so since I left the church. But it is getting me nowhere in the dating realm. I'm tired of answering questions when the answers are never okay, and I'm tired of feeling like a circus freak. I think that I may try a new experiment. Next time I'm asked if I grew up Mormon, the answer is no. And hopefully I'm an interesting enough person without that story. Because I don't think I can keep telling it much longer.

I wouldn't mind home teachers right about now...

I'm missing being Mormon a little bit right now. But not for any deep reasons of Christmas wistfulness or anything. I have to move (AGAIN) next week, and it would be really nice if I could just call my home teachers and get a bunch of people to help out. Instead I'm stuck begging the few people who will be in town over the holidays or hiring movers. Oh well, I guess even if I have to hire people it will be less than tithing would have been...

Chill

So I was all worried about the family vacation. The first day or so took some getting used to, and I found myself thinking, "What will we talk about?!? We're not having any deep conversations!" With my friends and cousins, I'm so accustomed to talking about EVERYTHING, and with my family, there just isn't that dynamic. It seemed to me a different life altogether, or maybe I was visiting a different country.

But then, after a day or two, (and a few phone calls to those people I really can talk to), I realized I had to accept the situation for what it was, and my family for who they are. They are really great people. I tried to stop wondering if they were secretly judging me for drinking coffee (my dad did whisper to someone that it smelled bad), or wearing tank tops (pretty sure they were jealous, they just wore their swim suits a lot instead). They didn't act at all judgemental, so why should I imagine they were? It was as if the conversation with my brother never happened. Which is okay. I didn't feel like I had to pretend, and no one made a big deal out of anything. We had a lot of fun, and honestly it was really nice and relaxing not having drama and discussing every detail of everything under the sun. I also really loved hanging out with my 14 month old nephew. I am not always into kids, but I love that little boy.

So a lot of worry over nothing, but I am feeling good about things.

In my Easter bonnet

Easter Sunday a friend and I decided to go to a beautiful Episcopal church on Fifth Ave. I got dressed for church, in a way that I hadn't done in awhile, and felt like my church clothes were quite out of date. But looking like pink and yellow Easter eggs, to church we went. The church was beautiful. I have always absolutely loved other houses of worship, the feeling seems so much more serene than the Mormon ones have ever been for me.

During the service I found myself wishing I was raised in a "normal" religion. I enjoyed the music, I miss singing hymns. There was a lovely calm feeling, and I thought, maybe if I had been born into a church where church is a positive influence in life, but isn't so suffocating, maybe I could have remained in it. It seems to me that many churches, such as the Episcopal church, don't have so much guilt and fear-tactics that I feel like the LDS church has. Maybe it would have been nice to just have it be a part of your life, and not BE life itself, a place I didn't dare leave till I was 30.

I know some join other churches after leaving the LDS church, but that isn't for me. Examining my beliefs didn't just stop at the Mormon church and leave me with regular Christianity, but instead an entirely new outlook on life and meaning. Even though I thought the service was great, I just couldn't get into it the same way. While I still like Jesus, I no longer have the same feelings and thoughts about him that I used to. And that's okay, I'm happy where I am, I don't think you need religion for values or to be a good person.

After about an hour of wistfulness, the service began to drag on, and my most prominent thought was how happy I am I don't have to sit through boring church anymore.

waxing and waning

Okay, okay I SUCK at blogging these days. I recently moved, and have had so much to do that I've been too busy to blog, and maybe because of this I've found myself less interested in Mormon-related things. My new apartment is so much better, and though I have a roommate and miss living alone in some ways, I think things will be good, once we figure out what to do with some of her more interesting decorating items-such as her table made of a dolphin sculpture.

A few highlights as of late:

I finally went to the OB-GYN for a check-up after not going for like 5-6 years. As a Mormon, I just felt like I didn't really have sexual parts, so it was really easy to ignore and avoid stuff like that. It's always a good time explaining to people outside of Utah that you are a 31 year old virgin. While she was um...doing her thing...she was asking me why I left, and I was explaining to her that I didn't believe it any more, as well as it's not that much fun to be 30, single and Mormon. She was very nice and didn't laugh at me at any point, though I think she felt less bad for me when she asked if I had fooled around and I said yes. I am also thinking of getting the Gardasil shots. Does anyone have any experience/knowledge about getting that past the typical age?

I got a Brazilian wax. This was very painful and may be my last. For some crazy reason I just wanted to try it, though I feel like it offends my feminist sensibilities. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is normal in the real world.

I have been on a few dates with a seemingly decent guy, so maybe, just maybe that will go somewhere, who knows. We're going ice skating tonight.

I've been reading Joseph Campbell's "The Power of Myth." The first part of the book depressed and irritated me, probably because it was actually saying what I had been thinking for awhile. I realized I have felt some sadness over the loss of all my concrete ideas about the world. But as I have continued reading, I have come to terms a little more with my new thoughts. I have appreciated some of his ideas, which have helped me to develop a less negative view of religion, though I still can't see being a part of one myself.

Spiritual but not religious?

I went to the Unitarian Universalist church today. It was great to see a wide variety of people- straight couples, gay couples, single people, black, white, old young. Not that I was suprised, this is New York. Though the ward I went to in New York looked pretty much exactly like Utah singles wards. The atmosphere was unassuming, and leafing through their program, I found I could agree with all their principles, which was mostly about freedom and peace and not being dogmatic. I love all of this.

However, I just don't know if I am open to religion anymore. Any sort of ritual and shared experience out of the Mormon one feels so foreign and unnatural to me. And though I am familiar with the Mormon experience, there are too many things that feel wrong to me when I go there.

The sermon was okay, the reverend talked about America and Barack Obama and how far we have come, and it was nice to relive some of those moments. She also talked with pride about some past Unitarian ministers and leaders and some of their progressive views, but while I can appreciate their contributions, I don't want to be their disciples.

Part of me wants to get stirred up in the excitement of it all, and actually feel something, but the other part of me doesn't want to get suckered into anything that isn't real.

I find myself reluctant to join anything, to give myself a concrete identity in this way. Reading the Power of Now affected me a lot, which talks about not needing labels and not basing your identity on this. For so long, I "knew" stuff, and before I would allow myself to fully think, I looked at my Mormon identity, to try and fit everything together. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but I think I like just being me. Mormonism defined me for so long that I am amazed by the freedom I have now to not put myself into a box.

I know there can be a sense of community at church and I think that this is something I miss, though I haven't really felt it for a long time. I wonder though if maybe I can find that in some other volunteer organization, where I don't have to be "religious." I understand how religion can work for some, and I think if it is not harmful that is great. But for me, I think maybe I need to look in other areas and create my own space.

Could have been a good drinking game

Text messages on Friday about general conference between a friend of mine who is in a similar place regarding church:

Me: I'm headed out of town tonight. Let's do dinner Sunday?

Friend: My sister and I say let's do! We'll listen to Conference!

Me: I can only handle conference if I have a few drinks.

Friend: We could turn it into a drinking game!

Me: That would be radical. We could take a shot every time they say the word marriage.

Friend: We would be wasted!

Me: In ten minutes.

hooked on a feelin...

This is kind of a follow up to my last post...

Feelings are an interesting topic when it comes to religion. I think in the LDS church we base a lot of things on feelings. I think some of them may be real, but I also feel like some of them may have been a little manufactured. Like I don't know if I really felt like I had the choice to believe in the Book of Mormon or not, it was all set up so that I would. So I did. Maybe I am different in that some of my experiences regarding the church were not as strong as others.

Thinking about what I have felt and what I feel now, I have come to look at many of my feelings from the past differently. But there are some things I was taught and believed that I still strongly believe. I'm not sure why these go a little deeper or resonate with me still. I was taught that you had to figure things out for yourself and follow what you feel is right-I'm pretty sure they thought it would leave you in the church, which didn't turn out that way for me. I always felt that God loves everyone equally. When it turned out the church didn't really seem to teach that, I let go of the church and possibly God, but not my belief in equality. It's interesting what sticks and what doesn't.

I think that facts and more information(as much as can be ascertained) is more important in deciding what to believe than going on feelings alone. You have to have both, but I think going on pure feelings is a little scary to me.

I think something we learn in the LDS church is that once you "know" or feel something, you KNOW it. Forever. That you shouldn't allow new information or feelings in. That you've already got it figured out and that you should not change your point of view. Period. I built myself up quite the protective wall for a long time. In the church humility is talked about, but I think there is a great arrogance in never rethinking your point of view. I think there is great humility in being open to the world, to people, to spirituality.

Thoughts?

we're all just going on faith

A close friend of mine who has gone through some similar church issues as me got an email from an old friend yesterday. She seems to get a lot of these emails, from people attempting to save her soul. After hearing about the email and the guilt trips that were included, my friend said "maybe i am going to hell. i don't want to go to hell." I told her she wasn't, because I truly believe that. She said, "what does anyone know for sure, we are all just going on faith anyway." Which is entirely true. Though I have little, if any, traditional faith, I do believe this is true.

What I have faith in is that this life, whatever the hell it is, is something magical. It is amazing at times, and really shitty at times. But in the end, when I finally realized I couldn't believe in the church anymore, and possibly organized religion, I realized that I do have faith. I have faith that if there is a plan for this life, for this world, it isn't one of inequality, gender or otherwise. It isn't one where the heaven we are supposed to be looking forward to is one that feels more like hell to me. It isn't one where only 1% of the earth's population would have the chance for true happiness and truth in this lifetime. If there is a plan and meaning for this life then we all wouldn't be trying to be the same, discounting all of our valuable differences. I don't know what I believe for sure, but if I believe anything it is that there must be more goodness, inclusiveness, wholeness and general happiness in the world than the LDS church offers. I want to live my life believing in goodness and joy, not fear. And that feels like faith to me, however unusual and unlikely.

the saturation point

This weekend i have been back in utah for my grandma's funeral. Being in Utah with my family has been quite the mixed bag the last few months. I really love my family and we always have a good time joking around. That's what we do best. What we don't do very well is be real with each other. Deep issues are rarely discussed, and if they are, when it gets too uncomfortable for someone, they just cut the conversation off. I don't think I am this way with most people, as I have several close friends and cousins who I can be real with, but when I get with my family I really struggle with this, and I think I always have. It's like there is this supposed perfect balance that is really difficult to dare to toy with.

So this whole weekend has been church, church, church. Which I suppose I should have expected at a Mormon funeral, but I have been not attending church for almost 8 months now, and being at a funeral, which is a church service got under my skin more than I thought it would. General authorities were quoted multiple times in one of the talks, and every time I would have to remind myself to breath deep. One of my uncles talked about how "we all know, or I hope we all know..." and went on to talk about life after death or the gospel or something. I kept trying to tell myself that this is just how people are and that this is what they believe, and now the thought comes to me that they just think they are speaking to their own kind, and maybe that is okay. But my problem with that comes when I looked at atleast three of my aunts and uncles who are either inactive (more the Jack Mormon type) or have had their names taken off the records of the church. So maybe they don't KNOW this stuff. The family was thrilled that they said the prayers at the funeral and are just hoping they will come back because they will never be fully accepted till they do. And in these types of talks, about how "we all know" the idea that someone in the audience may not KNOW these things is apparently not recognized. I felt incredibly bad focusing so much on myself during my grandma's funeral, and there were many moments that I was able to think about my grandma and her life and how she has affected me. But I just couldn't shake all of the uncomfortable feelings I was feeling, that I basically disagree or am unsure about most everything my entire immediate and extended family believes.

Ever since I have told my parents about my disaffection, they were weird for a little while, but now they just pretend like nothing was ever said. I don't know what I want, I probably can't be satisfied, but it seems like they can talk of nothing but the church. My dad works for the church, and their whole lives revolve around it. And I told them they could talk about it, so apparently they think I WANT to hear about it. Which is fine sometimes. But all the damn time, no. I'm sure they have no frame of reference from where I'm coming from, but why the hell would I be excited to hear about it all the time when I don't want to be a part of it?

So last night ALL the extended family is over, and there are people running everywhere, and the adults are having church conversations all over the house. The Martin Harris Handcart company this, and Emma Smith that. Though polygamy never came up in the discussion about Emma Smith, my uncle just decided she had a mental breakdown. About 3/4 of the way through the evening, with no one knowing a clue who I really am, I decided I needed a drink. I fixed myself a cocktail in my bedroom with the vodka I had stashed on a previous visit, and walked around the house, drinking and hanging out with my family. It definitely took the edge off of my annoyance, plus was pretty funny to think that they had no idea. I felt a little bad, but the situation called for it, and yes, I am using alcohol to solve my problems.

I knew I couldn't handle going to church with my family today, that I would go absolutely nuts. I feel bad that I really can't stand it all right now. I thought I was doing all awesome being peaceful in New York, but it turns out that Utah is quite another story. So I told my mom I was going to church with my friend in Salt Lake, and I think she was happy, thinking I was going to the LDS church, but we went to the Episcopal one. I much prefered that, though I really just don't feel into religion at all these days.

I am here for another week, I hope I can handle it. I don't know whether to just let things slide, or to have a conversation with anyone. It is so frustrating having them be all free with their mouths and their lives, and I feel like I have to shut the hell up or people will be shocked and judgemental and I will cause them sorrow. I feel like my life has been opened up so much recently, but I can't share it with many people, because their world is a lot smaller that there is no way they will understand, having never looked outside the box.

US religious beliefs and practices

This is really interesting. You can compare your answers with the Pew Forum's religious survey.

http://usatoday.com/news/graphics/2008_pew_religion/flash.htm

I learned a few things. Apparently Mormons have more in common with more fundamentalist-type churches. And I definitely do not fit the Mormon mold. I was closer on most things to the Buddhists and Hindus.