Spiritual but not religious?

I went to the Unitarian Universalist church today. It was great to see a wide variety of people- straight couples, gay couples, single people, black, white, old young. Not that I was suprised, this is New York. Though the ward I went to in New York looked pretty much exactly like Utah singles wards. The atmosphere was unassuming, and leafing through their program, I found I could agree with all their principles, which was mostly about freedom and peace and not being dogmatic. I love all of this.

However, I just don't know if I am open to religion anymore. Any sort of ritual and shared experience out of the Mormon one feels so foreign and unnatural to me. And though I am familiar with the Mormon experience, there are too many things that feel wrong to me when I go there.

The sermon was okay, the reverend talked about America and Barack Obama and how far we have come, and it was nice to relive some of those moments. She also talked with pride about some past Unitarian ministers and leaders and some of their progressive views, but while I can appreciate their contributions, I don't want to be their disciples.

Part of me wants to get stirred up in the excitement of it all, and actually feel something, but the other part of me doesn't want to get suckered into anything that isn't real.

I find myself reluctant to join anything, to give myself a concrete identity in this way. Reading the Power of Now affected me a lot, which talks about not needing labels and not basing your identity on this. For so long, I "knew" stuff, and before I would allow myself to fully think, I looked at my Mormon identity, to try and fit everything together. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but I think I like just being me. Mormonism defined me for so long that I am amazed by the freedom I have now to not put myself into a box.

I know there can be a sense of community at church and I think that this is something I miss, though I haven't really felt it for a long time. I wonder though if maybe I can find that in some other volunteer organization, where I don't have to be "religious." I understand how religion can work for some, and I think if it is not harmful that is great. But for me, I think maybe I need to look in other areas and create my own space.

Time to get sprugged up old girl...

This post has nothing to do with the church. Just a story of my life, straight out of Bridget Jones.

This morning I was actually told that my eggs are drying up. As if I didn't know that already. I was working the flight to Amsterdam and I end up working with a straight man who asks me my birthday (so he knows my horoscope), where I'm from (he smiled like he knew all about me), and how old I was. He said he likes to know these things and then he can get a good idea about someone. Or get the wrong idea, I told him.

Later into the flight he starts asking me questions, attempting to be some sort of flight attendant psychologist or life coach. Do I want children? He then tells me that I better hurry up and do it. Even if it has to be out of wedlock. Cause my eggs are drying up and life goes real fast and I'm running out of time.

Are there 30 year old women who do NOT know this? Are there people who think I am just avoiding true love and the corresponding wedded bliss out of some sort of unawareness that I am not 19? That it is easy for women to find someone who you actually want to be with? I guess I should give him credit for at least thinking I have hope, but damn. Then he started telling me that men outside the travel industry don't understand and don't want a flight attendant. He said to stay away from foreign men, that they were not good for American women. He told me I also had an additional disadvantage because of my height. WTF? I am actually quite aware of the difficulties I have in dating, which I told him, but he didn't seem to understand he was being a complete ass.

You may be wondering why I listened to this for so long, but I think I was more shocked than anything. After I gave him a few scowls and told him he didn't really know me, I moved to another part of the airplane and enjoyed my New York Times. Till I started talking to another flight attendant. It started off well-bonding over Barack Obama, and conversing about our educational backgrounds, but then all of a sudden he is telling me to get a second job and specifically what one to get. You'll never make enough money in this industry, he says, when I mentioned my school loans. Don't you think I know that? Am I not aware of that each time I eat cereal 3 times a day?

I guess I was just shocked by the idiocy of some people and the complete lack of perception and sensitivity. I always thought the scene in Bridget Jones, where they are asking her why there are so many single girls in their thirties, and telling her she'd better get sprugged up, was just an exaggeration. But apparently it is not. It is my life. Now I just need to find my Colin Firth.

What is it worth?

In the past I didn't care about gay marriage. In some conversations less than a year ago I was ambivalent about it, or at least about making a fuss about it. And now, every time I think of the efforts the church is making against it, I get really upset. For the first time I donated to a political cause. Most people I know take the same position about it.

Except all the people I know in Utah. One of my friends, who I have known since kindergarten, has been sending me political emails. A vote for Sarah Palin email, then a link to the church's article on marriage. She obviously thought I would agree with her, as I'm sure her view is very popular where she lives. She has no idea of the changes in my life the past year or two for me, as we only go to lunch a couple times a year. And though I haven't shared anything with her yet, somehow I had to tell her I was not in the same place about gay marriage. I wrote her an email, just asking her not to forward more emails like that, and ran it by a couple friends first, to make sure it was nice enough. They all said it was too nice, so I figured that was good, I wanted to be non-confrontational. But now it's been 5 days, and no response. I'm sure I shocked the hell out of her, and she's one of my friends I've been the most scared to truthfully talk to about leaving the church. So now that she doesn't respond at all, I feel bad, and like there is a distance that may not be cross-able. And it makes me sad that I may have to choose between honesty and a friendship that has lasted for 25 years.

Could have been a good drinking game

Text messages on Friday about general conference between a friend of mine who is in a similar place regarding church:

Me: I'm headed out of town tonight. Let's do dinner Sunday?

Friend: My sister and I say let's do! We'll listen to Conference!

Me: I can only handle conference if I have a few drinks.

Friend: We could turn it into a drinking game!

Me: That would be radical. We could take a shot every time they say the word marriage.

Friend: We would be wasted!

Me: In ten minutes.

Tequila!

This blog is at the request of Jessica....

Somehow, last Friday night I found myself making out in the corner of a bar. It all started sort of Sex and the City-like. I was working at yoga and the gay yoga manager and I were talking about how cute this guy was. We ended up talking for a few minutes and instead of him walking out the door like most guys I meet do, he asked me out and gave me his phone number.

So I met him Friday night at a comedy club. The comedians were funny, we ordered food, and we both had a couple of drinks. After that we went to a bar. Where I ended up having 2 tequila shots. No, that is not what I ordered. But there they were on the bar, ordered for all of us. I had never tried tequila so I figured what the hell. It BURNS going down! A few more drinks, a couple more bars later and I am making out with my date in the corner of some bar downtown. It strangely felt very comfortable, and I know it wasn't all the alcohol. We had date 2 tonight.

I had to pack for my week and a half vacation when I got back. Let me just say, don't pack drunk. You forget stuff.

hooked on a feelin...

This is kind of a follow up to my last post...

Feelings are an interesting topic when it comes to religion. I think in the LDS church we base a lot of things on feelings. I think some of them may be real, but I also feel like some of them may have been a little manufactured. Like I don't know if I really felt like I had the choice to believe in the Book of Mormon or not, it was all set up so that I would. So I did. Maybe I am different in that some of my experiences regarding the church were not as strong as others.

Thinking about what I have felt and what I feel now, I have come to look at many of my feelings from the past differently. But there are some things I was taught and believed that I still strongly believe. I'm not sure why these go a little deeper or resonate with me still. I was taught that you had to figure things out for yourself and follow what you feel is right-I'm pretty sure they thought it would leave you in the church, which didn't turn out that way for me. I always felt that God loves everyone equally. When it turned out the church didn't really seem to teach that, I let go of the church and possibly God, but not my belief in equality. It's interesting what sticks and what doesn't.

I think that facts and more information(as much as can be ascertained) is more important in deciding what to believe than going on feelings alone. You have to have both, but I think going on pure feelings is a little scary to me.

I think something we learn in the LDS church is that once you "know" or feel something, you KNOW it. Forever. That you shouldn't allow new information or feelings in. That you've already got it figured out and that you should not change your point of view. Period. I built myself up quite the protective wall for a long time. In the church humility is talked about, but I think there is a great arrogance in never rethinking your point of view. I think there is great humility in being open to the world, to people, to spirituality.

Thoughts?

we're all just going on faith

A close friend of mine who has gone through some similar church issues as me got an email from an old friend yesterday. She seems to get a lot of these emails, from people attempting to save her soul. After hearing about the email and the guilt trips that were included, my friend said "maybe i am going to hell. i don't want to go to hell." I told her she wasn't, because I truly believe that. She said, "what does anyone know for sure, we are all just going on faith anyway." Which is entirely true. Though I have little, if any, traditional faith, I do believe this is true.

What I have faith in is that this life, whatever the hell it is, is something magical. It is amazing at times, and really shitty at times. But in the end, when I finally realized I couldn't believe in the church anymore, and possibly organized religion, I realized that I do have faith. I have faith that if there is a plan for this life, for this world, it isn't one of inequality, gender or otherwise. It isn't one where the heaven we are supposed to be looking forward to is one that feels more like hell to me. It isn't one where only 1% of the earth's population would have the chance for true happiness and truth in this lifetime. If there is a plan and meaning for this life then we all wouldn't be trying to be the same, discounting all of our valuable differences. I don't know what I believe for sure, but if I believe anything it is that there must be more goodness, inclusiveness, wholeness and general happiness in the world than the LDS church offers. I want to live my life believing in goodness and joy, not fear. And that feels like faith to me, however unusual and unlikely.