Isn't there some sort of form letter for this?

In two days I am going on vacation with my family for a week. My very sweet, very Mormon family. My parents and sister and hubby all know I've left the church, but I haven't told my brother. And it's been like a year and a half. The thing is, I don't really think he'll take it that badly, I just think it will be a surprise. I can't quite explain why I haven't been able to make myself tell him. I rarely see him, and though we talk on the phone every few weeks, he usually seems quite busy with his family and life, and my life really never enters the conversation. Maybe because I'm single, it's hard to know what to say to me. This used to bother me more, but I have come to accept that if I want to have a relationship with him, it will be mostly on his terms.
But it has gotten ridiculous, because in 2 days we will be all staying in the same beach house. I will not be wearing garments, or likely even wearing things that would cover them up, because hopefully it will be warm weather. The second day is a Sunday, and my family will want to go to Sac. meeting, and I'm not going with them. So I KNOW that I need to say something, and am quite tired of pretending...but grrr...it's so hard. I know I'm not going to go a week without coffee, or alcohol, and I don't want to be reduced to drinking it out of a flask from my suitcase. And sure, I could just not say anything and have my bro and sis in law wonder, but I just feel like I can't be myself if I do that. My family has this status quo thing that is really strong. It is sometimes nice, as a lovely time seems to always be had by all, but makes it really difficult to bring up anything out of the ordinary. Conflict is rare, which means that when it happens it feels like such a big deal. So pretty much, I have to say something today. I am kicking myself for waiting for so long, but pretty much it's now or a really awkward family vacae. Which it may be anyway.

In my Easter bonnet

Easter Sunday a friend and I decided to go to a beautiful Episcopal church on Fifth Ave. I got dressed for church, in a way that I hadn't done in awhile, and felt like my church clothes were quite out of date. But looking like pink and yellow Easter eggs, to church we went. The church was beautiful. I have always absolutely loved other houses of worship, the feeling seems so much more serene than the Mormon ones have ever been for me.

During the service I found myself wishing I was raised in a "normal" religion. I enjoyed the music, I miss singing hymns. There was a lovely calm feeling, and I thought, maybe if I had been born into a church where church is a positive influence in life, but isn't so suffocating, maybe I could have remained in it. It seems to me that many churches, such as the Episcopal church, don't have so much guilt and fear-tactics that I feel like the LDS church has. Maybe it would have been nice to just have it be a part of your life, and not BE life itself, a place I didn't dare leave till I was 30.

I know some join other churches after leaving the LDS church, but that isn't for me. Examining my beliefs didn't just stop at the Mormon church and leave me with regular Christianity, but instead an entirely new outlook on life and meaning. Even though I thought the service was great, I just couldn't get into it the same way. While I still like Jesus, I no longer have the same feelings and thoughts about him that I used to. And that's okay, I'm happy where I am, I don't think you need religion for values or to be a good person.

After about an hour of wistfulness, the service began to drag on, and my most prominent thought was how happy I am I don't have to sit through boring church anymore.

What does 50/50 mean?

For the most part, I consider myself some sort of enlightened, non-traditional woman. I think one of the main reasons I didn't learn to cook much was because I was somehow scared of getting stuck into that role. I'm not sure why, I fully realize cooking is an amazing skill. In dating and thinking about what I want in marriage I've come up with all sorts of fair ideals, such as wanting a man to help out with the housework and me not wanting to change my name, if it ever came to that. Apparently I don't want a traditional role, but I'm not completely liberated either.

Now I find myself dating a guy who believes in 50/50, at least, I think, in terms of who pays for stuff. The first sign was when he let me pay for the tip on our first date. No big deal, of course, but still it hasn't been the norm. On our dates he's mostly paid, I've paid for a few things, but it has somehow felt a little more of a question than has usually been the case. His position became a little more clear when we were talking about exes and he started talking about his and how she wanted to go on vacation but didn't have money...so I don't know if this point was a deliberate illustration for me. It sounds like he's been burned in the past in this arena.

Last week we are watching TV and there was a commercial with a beautiful beach, and he was like "Let's go to Jamaica! Or somewhere warm!" No talk of money at this point, and I figured I could get us some deals with my flight benefits. Standby flights were all full because of the holiday weekend, so we looked at some package deals. I researched stuff on the computer for hours. Nothing was cheap and what we finally came up with ended up being more than I could personally pay, which I told him, and he said it was up to me, he understood either way, that he was under financial stresses (his way of saying he couldn't pay for any of my way), and that he was a 50/50 guy. I said that was fine, I understood, it was more than I could do, but maybe with more notice we could do something another time. I also attempted to explain a little bit of my situation-that I don't make much money, but that the benefits are worth it to me, to have the lifestyle I want, and to be able to travel for less, as well as helping others in this way too, though it didn't really work out that way this time.

So I'm just trying to figure out my feelings on the topic and what I think is fair and what I am comfortable with. The 50/50 ideal might be great if you are both single professionals and make a comparable amount of money. But what if one person makes 3X plus what the other makes? Is a 50/50 split fair in that case? Is it just too bad for the one who has chosen the job that doesn't make enough? Maybe in the beginning while 2 people are trying to figure out whether or not they want to be with each other 50/50 is okay. But isn't there a time, eventually when I becomes we? When you want the person you are with to enjoy things that maybe they couldn't enjoy on their own? Is that selfish of me, wanting to keep my low-paying job, and then merge finances with someone later, which would obviously be to my benefit financially?

I think there are other things that have equal value to money. I have no desire to be exactly like this, but in my parents marriage, my dad makes the money, my mom cooks, cleans, washes, etc, for him, so though she is not making actual money, she is still providing, just in a different way. If I spend hours planning a trip, shouldn't that count for something? But then if you're keeping track of 50/50, how do you not turn everything into a "what's it worth controversy"? Maybe it is too much for each person to just attempt to be generous in their own way. Maybe these kinds of conversations are normal to have, it just seems so awkward to me.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Experiences?

waxing and waning

Okay, okay I SUCK at blogging these days. I recently moved, and have had so much to do that I've been too busy to blog, and maybe because of this I've found myself less interested in Mormon-related things. My new apartment is so much better, and though I have a roommate and miss living alone in some ways, I think things will be good, once we figure out what to do with some of her more interesting decorating items-such as her table made of a dolphin sculpture.

A few highlights as of late:

I finally went to the OB-GYN for a check-up after not going for like 5-6 years. As a Mormon, I just felt like I didn't really have sexual parts, so it was really easy to ignore and avoid stuff like that. It's always a good time explaining to people outside of Utah that you are a 31 year old virgin. While she was um...doing her thing...she was asking me why I left, and I was explaining to her that I didn't believe it any more, as well as it's not that much fun to be 30, single and Mormon. She was very nice and didn't laugh at me at any point, though I think she felt less bad for me when she asked if I had fooled around and I said yes. I am also thinking of getting the Gardasil shots. Does anyone have any experience/knowledge about getting that past the typical age?

I got a Brazilian wax. This was very painful and may be my last. For some crazy reason I just wanted to try it, though I feel like it offends my feminist sensibilities. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what is normal in the real world.

I have been on a few dates with a seemingly decent guy, so maybe, just maybe that will go somewhere, who knows. We're going ice skating tonight.

I've been reading Joseph Campbell's "The Power of Myth." The first part of the book depressed and irritated me, probably because it was actually saying what I had been thinking for awhile. I realized I have felt some sadness over the loss of all my concrete ideas about the world. But as I have continued reading, I have come to terms a little more with my new thoughts. I have appreciated some of his ideas, which have helped me to develop a less negative view of religion, though I still can't see being a part of one myself.

Spiritual but not religious?

I went to the Unitarian Universalist church today. It was great to see a wide variety of people- straight couples, gay couples, single people, black, white, old young. Not that I was suprised, this is New York. Though the ward I went to in New York looked pretty much exactly like Utah singles wards. The atmosphere was unassuming, and leafing through their program, I found I could agree with all their principles, which was mostly about freedom and peace and not being dogmatic. I love all of this.

However, I just don't know if I am open to religion anymore. Any sort of ritual and shared experience out of the Mormon one feels so foreign and unnatural to me. And though I am familiar with the Mormon experience, there are too many things that feel wrong to me when I go there.

The sermon was okay, the reverend talked about America and Barack Obama and how far we have come, and it was nice to relive some of those moments. She also talked with pride about some past Unitarian ministers and leaders and some of their progressive views, but while I can appreciate their contributions, I don't want to be their disciples.

Part of me wants to get stirred up in the excitement of it all, and actually feel something, but the other part of me doesn't want to get suckered into anything that isn't real.

I find myself reluctant to join anything, to give myself a concrete identity in this way. Reading the Power of Now affected me a lot, which talks about not needing labels and not basing your identity on this. For so long, I "knew" stuff, and before I would allow myself to fully think, I looked at my Mormon identity, to try and fit everything together. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't, but I think I like just being me. Mormonism defined me for so long that I am amazed by the freedom I have now to not put myself into a box.

I know there can be a sense of community at church and I think that this is something I miss, though I haven't really felt it for a long time. I wonder though if maybe I can find that in some other volunteer organization, where I don't have to be "religious." I understand how religion can work for some, and I think if it is not harmful that is great. But for me, I think maybe I need to look in other areas and create my own space.

Time to get sprugged up old girl...

This post has nothing to do with the church. Just a story of my life, straight out of Bridget Jones.

This morning I was actually told that my eggs are drying up. As if I didn't know that already. I was working the flight to Amsterdam and I end up working with a straight man who asks me my birthday (so he knows my horoscope), where I'm from (he smiled like he knew all about me), and how old I was. He said he likes to know these things and then he can get a good idea about someone. Or get the wrong idea, I told him.

Later into the flight he starts asking me questions, attempting to be some sort of flight attendant psychologist or life coach. Do I want children? He then tells me that I better hurry up and do it. Even if it has to be out of wedlock. Cause my eggs are drying up and life goes real fast and I'm running out of time.

Are there 30 year old women who do NOT know this? Are there people who think I am just avoiding true love and the corresponding wedded bliss out of some sort of unawareness that I am not 19? That it is easy for women to find someone who you actually want to be with? I guess I should give him credit for at least thinking I have hope, but damn. Then he started telling me that men outside the travel industry don't understand and don't want a flight attendant. He said to stay away from foreign men, that they were not good for American women. He told me I also had an additional disadvantage because of my height. WTF? I am actually quite aware of the difficulties I have in dating, which I told him, but he didn't seem to understand he was being a complete ass.

You may be wondering why I listened to this for so long, but I think I was more shocked than anything. After I gave him a few scowls and told him he didn't really know me, I moved to another part of the airplane and enjoyed my New York Times. Till I started talking to another flight attendant. It started off well-bonding over Barack Obama, and conversing about our educational backgrounds, but then all of a sudden he is telling me to get a second job and specifically what one to get. You'll never make enough money in this industry, he says, when I mentioned my school loans. Don't you think I know that? Am I not aware of that each time I eat cereal 3 times a day?

I guess I was just shocked by the idiocy of some people and the complete lack of perception and sensitivity. I always thought the scene in Bridget Jones, where they are asking her why there are so many single girls in their thirties, and telling her she'd better get sprugged up, was just an exaggeration. But apparently it is not. It is my life. Now I just need to find my Colin Firth.

What is it worth?

In the past I didn't care about gay marriage. In some conversations less than a year ago I was ambivalent about it, or at least about making a fuss about it. And now, every time I think of the efforts the church is making against it, I get really upset. For the first time I donated to a political cause. Most people I know take the same position about it.

Except all the people I know in Utah. One of my friends, who I have known since kindergarten, has been sending me political emails. A vote for Sarah Palin email, then a link to the church's article on marriage. She obviously thought I would agree with her, as I'm sure her view is very popular where she lives. She has no idea of the changes in my life the past year or two for me, as we only go to lunch a couple times a year. And though I haven't shared anything with her yet, somehow I had to tell her I was not in the same place about gay marriage. I wrote her an email, just asking her not to forward more emails like that, and ran it by a couple friends first, to make sure it was nice enough. They all said it was too nice, so I figured that was good, I wanted to be non-confrontational. But now it's been 5 days, and no response. I'm sure I shocked the hell out of her, and she's one of my friends I've been the most scared to truthfully talk to about leaving the church. So now that she doesn't respond at all, I feel bad, and like there is a distance that may not be cross-able. And it makes me sad that I may have to choose between honesty and a friendship that has lasted for 25 years.