the saturation point

This weekend i have been back in utah for my grandma's funeral. Being in Utah with my family has been quite the mixed bag the last few months. I really love my family and we always have a good time joking around. That's what we do best. What we don't do very well is be real with each other. Deep issues are rarely discussed, and if they are, when it gets too uncomfortable for someone, they just cut the conversation off. I don't think I am this way with most people, as I have several close friends and cousins who I can be real with, but when I get with my family I really struggle with this, and I think I always have. It's like there is this supposed perfect balance that is really difficult to dare to toy with.

So this whole weekend has been church, church, church. Which I suppose I should have expected at a Mormon funeral, but I have been not attending church for almost 8 months now, and being at a funeral, which is a church service got under my skin more than I thought it would. General authorities were quoted multiple times in one of the talks, and every time I would have to remind myself to breath deep. One of my uncles talked about how "we all know, or I hope we all know..." and went on to talk about life after death or the gospel or something. I kept trying to tell myself that this is just how people are and that this is what they believe, and now the thought comes to me that they just think they are speaking to their own kind, and maybe that is okay. But my problem with that comes when I looked at atleast three of my aunts and uncles who are either inactive (more the Jack Mormon type) or have had their names taken off the records of the church. So maybe they don't KNOW this stuff. The family was thrilled that they said the prayers at the funeral and are just hoping they will come back because they will never be fully accepted till they do. And in these types of talks, about how "we all know" the idea that someone in the audience may not KNOW these things is apparently not recognized. I felt incredibly bad focusing so much on myself during my grandma's funeral, and there were many moments that I was able to think about my grandma and her life and how she has affected me. But I just couldn't shake all of the uncomfortable feelings I was feeling, that I basically disagree or am unsure about most everything my entire immediate and extended family believes.

Ever since I have told my parents about my disaffection, they were weird for a little while, but now they just pretend like nothing was ever said. I don't know what I want, I probably can't be satisfied, but it seems like they can talk of nothing but the church. My dad works for the church, and their whole lives revolve around it. And I told them they could talk about it, so apparently they think I WANT to hear about it. Which is fine sometimes. But all the damn time, no. I'm sure they have no frame of reference from where I'm coming from, but why the hell would I be excited to hear about it all the time when I don't want to be a part of it?

So last night ALL the extended family is over, and there are people running everywhere, and the adults are having church conversations all over the house. The Martin Harris Handcart company this, and Emma Smith that. Though polygamy never came up in the discussion about Emma Smith, my uncle just decided she had a mental breakdown. About 3/4 of the way through the evening, with no one knowing a clue who I really am, I decided I needed a drink. I fixed myself a cocktail in my bedroom with the vodka I had stashed on a previous visit, and walked around the house, drinking and hanging out with my family. It definitely took the edge off of my annoyance, plus was pretty funny to think that they had no idea. I felt a little bad, but the situation called for it, and yes, I am using alcohol to solve my problems.

I knew I couldn't handle going to church with my family today, that I would go absolutely nuts. I feel bad that I really can't stand it all right now. I thought I was doing all awesome being peaceful in New York, but it turns out that Utah is quite another story. So I told my mom I was going to church with my friend in Salt Lake, and I think she was happy, thinking I was going to the LDS church, but we went to the Episcopal one. I much prefered that, though I really just don't feel into religion at all these days.

I am here for another week, I hope I can handle it. I don't know whether to just let things slide, or to have a conversation with anyone. It is so frustrating having them be all free with their mouths and their lives, and I feel like I have to shut the hell up or people will be shocked and judgemental and I will cause them sorrow. I feel like my life has been opened up so much recently, but I can't share it with many people, because their world is a lot smaller that there is no way they will understand, having never looked outside the box.

my place

In a couple of weeks, I will be moving to my own apartment. I am so excited. Yes, it's small, and it's a studio, but it will be fantastic. I won't have to hide alcohol, or hear about Brigham Young's views on cheese importation (yes, my roommate did talk about this during a dinner party). Most importantly though, I can make it my own place, where I am comfortable and can do what I want. I will be able to feel like I can invite guests over, and not make them feel like I'm bringing them back to my super-religious college dorm. I think it's about time, I have had SO many roommates in my lifetime by now.

US religious beliefs and practices

This is really interesting. You can compare your answers with the Pew Forum's religious survey.

http://usatoday.com/news/graphics/2008_pew_religion/flash.htm

I learned a few things. Apparently Mormons have more in common with more fundamentalist-type churches. And I definitely do not fit the Mormon mold. I was closer on most things to the Buddhists and Hindus.

everything's expanding

I have been so happy lately, in a way that has amazed me. Life is exciting to me again, and I feel free-to think, act, and love the way that I feel is right. It's like once I decided I was done with church, everything has just simplified, as I don't have to worry about what the church or members of it think of me (for the most part). I can focus on actually being kind to others, and myself.
For most of my adult life, I've been pretty cynical when it came to romantic love and marriage, probably because it had been pushed down my throat in various arenas, and even though I thought I was a "typical Mormon," whatever that is, I really have always felt quite uncomfortable fitting into certain expectations that I just don't believe in. So now that those things have all lifted, it's strange, I don't feel a sense of hopelessness in my future. I trust myself. I feel like if my life stays the same as it is now, I will be very happy. But I also can truly see the possibility of finding love or marriage in my life, which I have never believed was possible.
I have felt so amazingly lucky to have friends and family members in my life who understand what I have been going through, and also understand the new and exciting parts of my life. I have been enjoying so much, and without all the worry I have had in the past few years. I have an amazing job that allows me to meet great people, see the world, and just have a good time, while also being a kind of community I haven't felt in Mormonism for years. And one that I fit in a lot better. It's funny, when I was trying to decide whether to stay or go, I read and heard all kinds of warnings, of how "you'll never be happy if you leave" and "this is where you belong," and it kind of scared me like maybe they knew what they were talking about. But, truth is, I had to listen to myself, and I really felt like I would be okay, and hey, looks like listening to myself wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Meet Virginia

So the other day on the plane I did something I have never done. There was a guy who started talking to me while we were delayed. In 45 minutes max of talking to him, I realized that we had more of a connection than the guy I had just gone out with for the fourth time the night before (no chemistry, and boring!) Since I know (I think) that guys like to do the chasing, I usually let them do this, but he didn't really have much of an opportunity during the flight. So right before landing I gave him my number. On an airline napkin. Whether he calls or not, it was still fun, doing the initiating for once.

Conversational landmines

I talked to my parents on the phone tonight, mostly my mom. I hadn't talked to my dad since last week when I told him about me and church. They both sounded a little distant or something. I couldn't quite place it. I guess maybe they're still trying to figure out to view me, what to think, how to feel about the idea that I no longer believe in everything they do. I don't think they know exactly how to talk to me anymore. I guess I have to give them some time to feel what they're going to feel and get used to things. After all, this has been coming for me for at least a couple of years, though I didn't know it till much more recently. I have had more time to get used to changes in my beliefs and actions, but it is pretty new to them. I just hate it because changing relationships can be hard and you never know exactly how they'll end up.

I also have a friend who I have been friends with since I was five. We have stayed fairly close through the years, and have always had a lot to talk about, even though we don't see each other often. However, she has always been pretty conservative in some ways, though I never thought much of it. Last time I saw her was in January and we had a mostly good lunch, though we had an awkward moment where we accidentally (keep your mouth shut, flygirl!) got onto politics and she basically bore her testimony to me of some principle that she related to the current political situation. I didn't know what to say, because I just couldn't say I agreed. I would really like to keep up our friendship, we have been friends for SO long, but I just don't know what we have to talk about, there seem to be so many conversational land-mines. And I really just don't think she would be accepting of my rejection of church. I have been all about openness and honesty, but I might go on pretending with her. At least for awhile. It's not like I have to do everything at once I suppose. I feel great about my life in relation to me, but in relation to other people it gets more complicated. It's hard not having church in common, where it used to just be a given.

So I am feeling a little melancholy about the changes that have taken place in my relationships, or those that I know will change. I only feel this way around a few of the people who have been in my life for a long time and I don't want to lose what we have. Who knows, some of them may change for the better. I do have a lot of people in my life who have been very accepting and I don't think I could have done all of this without them.

how to get rid of the love bombs

When I was going to church, a couple times a month at least, I think I had home teachers visit me once in the past year. Visiting teachers were more consistent. Now that I haven't been in six months, I am getting people coming out of the woodworks. A girl in the relief society presidency texted me the other day, acting like we were best buds. I got a call from my home teacher, sounding all breezy, like everything was normal. I haven't seen him for 6 months, though he did help me move into my new apt. My visiting teachers have been contacting me as well. This is a bit more tricky, because I am friends with the old ones, and now this month one of my other friends (along with the RS pres councilor) have been assigned as my visiting teachers.

But I want it all to stop. Sometimes I think I should just suck it up for the next few months till I turn 31, and then I won't be in the singles ward. But I just feel like I can't or don't want to do that. I am through and want it out of my life. At first I thought I would be okay with visiting teachers because I really do like them-the old and one of the new. But I want to know that people want to hang out with me just because they like ME, not because of any sort of hidden agenda. I don't want to wonder if people are really my friends, or if I am an assignment. So I am thinking of asking to be taken off the HT/VT lists, and I can see who my real friends are. (I think these girls will still be my friends, though they don't know exactly where I am with church yet). No one asks me why I don't come to church, they just invite me to stuff, invite themselves into my home. And I'd rather tell them than do the avoidance thing, otherwise I know it will never stop. But I'm getting tired of telling everyone, all the time, about this aspect of my life. Can't I just get a t-shirt or something, that explains it to everyone?