Tequila!

This blog is at the request of Jessica....

Somehow, last Friday night I found myself making out in the corner of a bar. It all started sort of Sex and the City-like. I was working at yoga and the gay yoga manager and I were talking about how cute this guy was. We ended up talking for a few minutes and instead of him walking out the door like most guys I meet do, he asked me out and gave me his phone number.

So I met him Friday night at a comedy club. The comedians were funny, we ordered food, and we both had a couple of drinks. After that we went to a bar. Where I ended up having 2 tequila shots. No, that is not what I ordered. But there they were on the bar, ordered for all of us. I had never tried tequila so I figured what the hell. It BURNS going down! A few more drinks, a couple more bars later and I am making out with my date in the corner of some bar downtown. It strangely felt very comfortable, and I know it wasn't all the alcohol. We had date 2 tonight.

I had to pack for my week and a half vacation when I got back. Let me just say, don't pack drunk. You forget stuff.

hooked on a feelin...

This is kind of a follow up to my last post...

Feelings are an interesting topic when it comes to religion. I think in the LDS church we base a lot of things on feelings. I think some of them may be real, but I also feel like some of them may have been a little manufactured. Like I don't know if I really felt like I had the choice to believe in the Book of Mormon or not, it was all set up so that I would. So I did. Maybe I am different in that some of my experiences regarding the church were not as strong as others.

Thinking about what I have felt and what I feel now, I have come to look at many of my feelings from the past differently. But there are some things I was taught and believed that I still strongly believe. I'm not sure why these go a little deeper or resonate with me still. I was taught that you had to figure things out for yourself and follow what you feel is right-I'm pretty sure they thought it would leave you in the church, which didn't turn out that way for me. I always felt that God loves everyone equally. When it turned out the church didn't really seem to teach that, I let go of the church and possibly God, but not my belief in equality. It's interesting what sticks and what doesn't.

I think that facts and more information(as much as can be ascertained) is more important in deciding what to believe than going on feelings alone. You have to have both, but I think going on pure feelings is a little scary to me.

I think something we learn in the LDS church is that once you "know" or feel something, you KNOW it. Forever. That you shouldn't allow new information or feelings in. That you've already got it figured out and that you should not change your point of view. Period. I built myself up quite the protective wall for a long time. In the church humility is talked about, but I think there is a great arrogance in never rethinking your point of view. I think there is great humility in being open to the world, to people, to spirituality.

Thoughts?

we're all just going on faith

A close friend of mine who has gone through some similar church issues as me got an email from an old friend yesterday. She seems to get a lot of these emails, from people attempting to save her soul. After hearing about the email and the guilt trips that were included, my friend said "maybe i am going to hell. i don't want to go to hell." I told her she wasn't, because I truly believe that. She said, "what does anyone know for sure, we are all just going on faith anyway." Which is entirely true. Though I have little, if any, traditional faith, I do believe this is true.

What I have faith in is that this life, whatever the hell it is, is something magical. It is amazing at times, and really shitty at times. But in the end, when I finally realized I couldn't believe in the church anymore, and possibly organized religion, I realized that I do have faith. I have faith that if there is a plan for this life, for this world, it isn't one of inequality, gender or otherwise. It isn't one where the heaven we are supposed to be looking forward to is one that feels more like hell to me. It isn't one where only 1% of the earth's population would have the chance for true happiness and truth in this lifetime. If there is a plan and meaning for this life then we all wouldn't be trying to be the same, discounting all of our valuable differences. I don't know what I believe for sure, but if I believe anything it is that there must be more goodness, inclusiveness, wholeness and general happiness in the world than the LDS church offers. I want to live my life believing in goodness and joy, not fear. And that feels like faith to me, however unusual and unlikely.

Mmmm...

I FINALLY had a good meal in Spain. Me with the crew in Barcelona after the beach. More pics of that day here.

a strange desire

Yesterday I found myself wanting to go to church. Not the LDS church, but maybe another Christian church, like the Church of England. I'm not sure what it was, maybe after listening to two co-workers talk about their beliefs in God and the fact that it was a Sunday that got me strangely in the mood. It felt like fall in Manchester yesterday, and I found myself wanting to be wrapped up, more emotionally than physically. I think maybe part of me also wanted to feel a closeness with others, that I have sometimes felt in places of worship. I missed that feeling that comes when everyone, whether a family, friends, or congregation, all feels a similar way. I have recently missed and mourned the feeling that I had something important to believe in, something that tied me to a god, and tied me to others. I haven't felt that way in an LDS congregation for years, but I have memories of it from the past, and felt sad that I don't know how to recreate that, or at least the positive elements of it. I thought about god and felt that maybe I could believe in something, but my mind just doesn't know how, and most of the time my heart doesn't ask for it anymore these days either. Yesterday I felt open to the possibility, but nothing really concrete came. I would like to develop some sort of spirituality outside of religion, and in some ways it would be nice if I could rebuild something semi-concrete, but I don't know how or if it will happen. I am not pushing myself. Whatever is right for me will come if I am open to it.

I walked around Manchester, looking for a church, but also enjoying the walk. I didn't find anything so I headed back to the hotel where I met up with my co-workers. We talked, ate, drank, and had a nice evening, and though we met just a few days ago, it was comfortable and warm. Which is what I wanted in the first place.

Why, yes I will have a drink, thank you.

Um, look how big these cocktail glasses are. Awesome.

I guess they're onto me...

I had another big family reunion a few weeks ago. Fortunately this one did not drive me to drink, and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with my family, especially my cousins. I decided to wear what I wanted to wear (which wasn't much, considering it was 100 degrees), and got no weird looks or comments from anyone. Fast forward 3 weeks later, and my grandma and aunt have been talking to my cousin about me not wearing my g's. Apparently they are praying for me. I still haven't figured out whether to just accept this as inevitable or to try to get them to understand. But hey, I'm all the way across the country, in my new place, walking around in my underwear with a fridge filled mostly of mixers and alcoholic beverages, so I'm not too concerned. :)